Cognitive Dissonance
I sit here thinking about what to write.. And guess what..? Its staring me in the face, daring me to be vulnerable and let it out. I promised an honest account of how this life change process is going, so here we go.
I have created a massive cognitive dissonance for myself.
During the dark night of the soul as described in my previous essay, I applied for a few corporate jobs in a moment of panic, fear and shame. Now I have interviews lined up, which is great, but things are starting to move with my yoga business, more opportunities are coming out of the wood work, and now I’m faced with some choices.
The job I have been shortlisted for is not something I would call a “dream job”, its back into the corporate grinder as a wage slave, let me be fair its probably someone’s dream job, just not mine. I’ve been there and done that. My justification for applying was that I could probably do it for two years or so and make some cash to recover from a few years of drain on savings. Which is all well and good but what will it be like when I’m back in the mincer? Do I clearly remember the drudgery of the corporate grind? Meetings about meetings, bullshit about what xyz corporation does and why it does it, its not authentic, it wont make any positive difference in the world. My heart simply would not be in it, and I would be lying to myself and the team everyday, that does not feel like an authentic expression of myself.
I’m reminded of words a dear teacher spoke to me in a recent yoga training course. She said:
“Move towards what inspires you and trust the process.”
I am wholly inspired by my Yoga and meditation teaching. Every time I finish a session I have participants saying how much they enjoyed it, how it was the right experience for them at that moment, and how good I am at making it accessible to all levels. I don’t think there is a deeper connection with meaning making than that, this is the most satisfying thing I have ever done. It does not feel like work, I feel like I’m making a positive impact every session I facilitate.
A beautiful quote form Terence Mckenna comes to mind:
“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed.”
Letting go seems to be a recurring theme for this blog so far. I reckon it’s because of 50 years of somebody training that’s given me a truckload of fear of the unknown, fear of stepping off the well beaten path to “success”. Everything I was taught in somebody training was about my lack of self worth, incompleteness and comparing myself to what success is supposed to look like; the big corporate title and job, sports car, property portfolio and the latest phone and watch combo, not to mention the washboard abs, tan and perfect white teeth, thats success… Right? You should definitely look after your teeth and health I know that for sure, the rest, I’m not so sure about.
One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again. -
Abraham Maslow
Maslow has the nub of it in that quote, I feel I am here to grow, to evolve and help others to do the same. When we are caught in the illusion we lose touch with this truth and we suffer, until we over come the fear again. I’m not advocating for a relinquishment of all responsibility to follow a path of Dharma, for many this is simply not possible, they may have bills to pay and kids to raise. These can also be a path a Dharma, but more on that another time. I recognise that I’m writing this from a position of relative privilege. At 50 years old I do not have many of the encumbrances that other people have at my age, no mortgage, no kids in school and I have built a simple lifestyle. I also have a loving partner who works full time and is supportive of my transition in life, she is the best thing that ever happened to me and remains my guru, I learn from her everyday. I must also recognise that I did not get to this position by accident, I worked hard at becoming somebody, and that afforded many benefits. As Ram Dass has said:
“You spent the first half of your life becoming somebody. Now you can work on becoming nobody, which is really somebody. For when you become nobody there is no tension, no pretense, no one trying to be anyone or anything. The natural state of the mind shines through unobstructed -- and the natural state of the mind is pure love.”
So yes I’m in a very different place to a lot of people at my age, perhaps this gives me the license to experiment with whats possible.
The decision was perhaps always a “fait accompli” but this process of understanding why has been cathartic for me. I’ve appreciated your company on the journey, there is more to come as life continues to unfold in the most magnificent, tragic and beautiful way. My heart swells with gratitude for the twists and turns that have brought me to this point, there are no mistakes.